Videogames vs. Shakespeare

Dear WGD,
My 14 year old son keeps trying to talk to me about video games which I've never played, and I told him if he wanted to have a conversation with me he should read some literature and not grow up an illiterate heathen. He retorted that video games have potential to be a whole new art form and people just don't realize or appreciate it.

We wound up with a compromise wherein I am going to play some video games, and he is going to read some Shakespeare plays. He has already read "Romeo and Juliet" in school, but I am trying to figure out what else he should read and in what order. I was thinking a comedy next...he has seen the movies for "Midsummer Night's Dream" and "Much Ado About Nothing." Any suggestions?

-Literary Mom

WORLD'S GREATEST DAD RESPONDS:

Shakespeare?!?!? why don’t you just send the kid to Homo School? Take evasive action immediately. Sic-ing the Bard on him now will make him HATE literature -- all of it. And, AND, god forbid he starts to love it, he'll take up with the drama kids at his high school, who are universally despised by adults for their incredible capacity for PROJECTING THEIR VOICES.

Meanwhile, everybody knows that Romeo & Juliet drives teens to suicide and endorses the non-honoring of thy Mother and Father. Compared to that, i'd much rather have the kid pretending to be an Italian plumber driving around in go-kart made out of mushrooms.

As for the video games, at least he can plug in his headphones to the TV and completely isolate himself from the world. With any luck, he'll become a nerd. That's win/win: he'll make more money in the long run and also, being a nerd, he's less likely to have parties at your house or knock up some tart.

Let the kid play his bloody eyeball games, for God’s sake.

advice for the Bachelor who one day hopes to obliviate all sense of joy, fulfillment, and other selfish desires

Here's a new section of my column dedicated to the Bachelor's out there. I call it the Bachelor's Almanac.

EARLY FEBRUARY:

i don't care what the "calendar" says: it is Spring already. do you know how i know this? the girls are smiling more, giggling more, etc -- and they all already are looking great. All of them. Every goddamn one.

thus:
make your rebukes more playful;
try to make your appearance on the scene signify excitement/rescue;
increase the use of charged words/phrases, e.g.
"this will be our little secret"
"get on top of"
"satisfying"
"bursting"
"below me"
etc.

FOR THE MARRIED GUYS OUT THERE WHO HAVE STAYED WITH ME ON THIS ONE:

Saturday is Valentines Day, dumbass. so even if you think the little lady "doesn't care about valentine's day," you better at least remember and get her something, even though you both clearly and repeatedly agreed that you weren't going to get each other gifts. This is one of those rare cases when she said "no" but she meant "if you don't at least pretend to fawn all over my feet on February 14th i will be convincedin my fear that i am fat and unloveable, and that the only way to address this truth is to make you miserable and/or seek out the affections of someone more sensitive, e.g. the football coach at the local high school, or, even better, one of the running backs."

Things Are Tough All Over

Well, the World's Greatest Dad is proud to continue bringing you guys advice & sage knowledge FREE OF COMMERCIAL INTERESTS. Lot's of other "blogs" out there are popping-up Google ads like they're got-damn daffodils. But here at W'sGD , my reader only get 100% pure love. Onto this week's question:


Dear World's Greatest Dad,

Q: My son's sixth birthday is coming up, and i promised him we could have a birthday party at the local skating rink. But, because times are so tight, i'm realizing i cant quite afford to pay for the tickets, the food, and the presents -- plus food for the parents. Do you have any ideas about where i could take the little guy for a good time without breaking the bank?

--Skate-less in Seattle

World's Greatest Dad answers:

Dear S-I-S,
I certainly know times can be tough-- especially since my wife has yet to see how hard it is to pay for the mortgage on my former house as well as this tiny, uncomfortable one-bedroom apartment where i'm staying while we work things out.

So I vote for Arby's for dinner: Five roast beef sandwiches for $5 !! For that price you could get like 45 of those things and pile them up on the table, and the kids don't even have to use their hands!

Of course some of my readers may prefer the Market Fresh sandwich "wraps" -- they're so fun -- or maybe you're a dyed-in-the-wool "sidekickers" man. i mean, who can resist the Loaded Potato Bites with Cool Ranch sour Cream? I know my little guy loves 'em when i come by for a visit!

(Son, there's no one with whom i'd rather eat Onion Petals with tangy "Southwestern" sauce than you-- no one!)

i think what i'm trying to say here is that, no matter which of the delicious treats you prefer, Arby's is the best restaurant ever, and that you would be CRAZY if we went anywhere else.

http://www.arbys.com/menu/

OPRAH GOES CRAZY; RECOMMENDS COUPLE LEAD LIVES AS "INDIVIDUALS"

The World's Greatest Dad is way behind on his correspondence due to recent legal gambits by his much-loved (and currently agreeing to avoid litigation) wife. The less said the better on that one -- don't want to upset the kids!

Son, no matter what, you need to remember that your mother and your father (but especially your father) love you unconditionally, no matter what state i rent this dingy apartment in. While the old man did have to make certain sacrifices due to your bursting on the scene like the got-damn Blitz over London, i will always consider my fatherly duty to be one of the three or four most important of my many, many responsibilities.

MEANWHILE, ol' Oprah Winifred has apparently lost her mind and posted an article about a woman who is happy that her husband is going away for a week and they don't have to do "everything" together-- and she specifically mentions shopping and watching chick flicks!

The CNN-dot-com lists the following bullet points as story "highlights":

• Wife celebrates when beloved husband of 32 years leaves for few days
  
• Says they trust each other and no longer have anything to prove
  
• She doesn't understand couples who do everything together
  
• Knows hubby will leave lights, TV on, dog on bed while she's gone

Did you catch that one, Honey? The wife is GLAD tha the husband left the TV on, and no longer requires him to attend to her every desire like some eunuch with a palm-frond. I'm not sure how that counts as a parenting question, but the mysteries of women are many and mysterious!

As far as Oprah is concerned, let me just shout out a big "you go girl," or whatever it is that they say!

Follow this strangely colored text to read the whole thing!

A POEM FOR LANCE ARMSTRONG

..WHO IS DESCRIBED BY MY SON AS HIS "HERO" [DESPITE HAVING A SEMI-COMPROMISED STATE OF MANHOOD] AND WHO INSPIRES UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS IN SENSITIVE KIDS LIKE MY SON WHO IS MY BEST FRIEND AND WHO ISN'T ABLE TO DISTINGUISH REALITY FROM DRUG-ADDLED ROBOTMEN:

[re: "...the 36-year-old would race with the Astana team, taking no salary or bonuses, and post results of all anti-doping blood tests online in an effort to "prove he is a clean athlete."]


hey lance
give somebody else
a chance to be
awesome
for a change,
will ya?

wardrobe update for Dads?

Q: Dear World's Greatest Dad,

My son just turned three, and I will probably have to start doing "grown-up" things like meeting teachers and other parents very soon. The problem is, I'm a work-at-home graphic designer who basically wears sneakers and punk rock t-shirts everyday. How can i upgrade the wardrobe to look like a Real dad without looking like every boring schmuck out there?

Haven't-got-a-thing-to-wear


World's Greatest Dad Answers:
Dear HGATTW,

While I admit it must be fun to stay home and play with your computer all day, it seems that grown-up life has finally bit you in the ass. You see, your life no longer belongs to you: it belongs to your wife and your beautiful son. You've already given up videogames, hanging out, eating when you felt like it, skateboarding, fishing, talking to Other Girls, riding your bike, being spontaneous, listening to your body, experiencing pleasure-- why are you still holding onto the memory of your former life of fulfillment by wearing clothing that actually reflects your interests and is comfortable? time to man-up, my friend.


Dads don't dress like dudes: Dudes have parties, and smoke dope all day, and plan ways to get in your daughters' pants; Dads have responsibility. In a way, that's all they have. Your role as a Father is as much of a sham and performance as the rest of your life, so you might as well be in the right costume. You are now longer a "dude." you are a GROWN-ASS MAN. you have to be ready for anything. Here are some new rules-- they oughtta fit right in with all of the other rules you have now:

1. you can no longer wear sneakers, jeans, and a t-shirt at the same time. try putting on a dress shirt for god's sake -- they probably sell them at one of your fancy thrift stores. and match the belt to the shoes and the socks against the pants and the tie to to the jacket and shirt and the jacket to the pants and the shirt to the tie and jacket. Got it?

2. You will always be able to wear any items from the following companies, who represent Manhood and Fatherly Duty in all aspects: Dickies, Carhartt, Wrangler, and any army-navy surplus store. If you limit your wardrobe to these companies, you will always look like a Dad.

3. If all else fails, try to look like one of the guys from this picture:


these are, all of them, acceptable looks, and time tested -- even Duran Duran up there looks like he could kick somebody's ass and then take the kid out for softball.

Meanwhile, there's a sale at Sears -- what a great way to spend some time with the brat! i mean your son!

got a question for the world's greatest dad? send them to minotarrATgmailDOTcom.

OPEN LETTER TO MY SON, WHO I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING

Thanks for dropping into my office to give me the Father's Day card you made, big guy. I cant believe you figured out how to make it a pop-up card which folded out into a crude likeness of me on a fishing boat. Great job--you know i would love to take you fishing one day. Way to anticipate that action item that i am very much at work on. You even spelled "love" L-U-V. Adorable. that's a three-pointer from half-court, tiger.

Perhaps when you came in to give me that card you noticed the video on my computer monitor, titled in bold caps "CAMEL TOE VIDEO." You probably didn't notice it, though i had it on full-screen at the time. Now, son, you may not even know what a "CAMEL TOE" is, but I want to head off at the pass any tough-type questions you may bring to, say, your mother, or a teacher at school who you can trust. I can assure you that nothing in the video was inappropriate, or in any way denigrates the feelings i have for you dear old mom, even during this difficult separation. Let's be clear on that. I love your mother very much. In a way, I always will.

And I certainly wouldn't seek out anything titled "CAMEL TOE VIDEO" on the google there, if i were you, kid. You won't find anything of any merit. And frankly, it will get you into a world of trouble with the ol' mom-a-sita, I can tell you from painful experience. Your mom gets really concerned sometimes about what kinds of internet things are allegedly on the hard-drive of the computer that i paid for. In fact, the "CAMEL TOE VIDEO" on my computer that you may-or-may not remember maybe seeing, if you even did and didn't imagine it, was sent to me, unlabeled, by a by an acquaintance in higher education-- and you know how those guys are. One would think they would realize an email containing the phrase "CAMEL TOE VIDEO" might raise an eyebrow, but of course none of those decadent ivory-tower types have the great pleasure of being a parent and having to repress every gosh darn aspect of your life just in case the kid comes in the office door at an inappropriate time and sees some kind of thing on your computer that will give him a life-long case of the howling fantods.

So, since you didn't get me a Father's day gift except for this lovely card-like item (did i tell you how much i love this crazy thing? i can't wait to sjow it to my new friend Barb-- you remember aunt Barb, right?), maybe we just keep this little case of the "CAMEL TOE VIDEO" between you and me kid. We got a deal? I'll throw in 20 bucks.

luv (get it? "luv"!)

The "Old" Man