On Violence in Schools

Q: I'm worried about gun violence in schools. I can't always be there to protect my son; what can i do to prepare him in case something happens?

--Gun-shy in Gulfport

World's Greatest Dad answers: You're instincts are correct, Gun-shy, in wanting to teach your son how to handle himself in such a situation. Lord knows that the teachers will be, as in all things, totally useless.

But the fact is that you cant protect the kid in this crazy, robot-infested world. Ten years ago I would have recommended that you dress the kid as a "burnout" so the loser(s) who eventually go ballistic would leave him alone -- the preps, jocks, and other good-looking/successful students will be the targets, not the kid with the Megadeath patch on his jean jacket.

But the "burnout in disguise" strategy is pointless, because these kids don't even have social genres anymore. thanks to the MTV and Internet, all styles have become acceptable in High School: kids who would have been preppy when i was a young buck are walking around with earrings in their nose, and the jocks listen to Metallica. Just look at these weirdos:

what are they even? should i sit with them at lunch? we won't ever know, because kids today are crazy. You know how they show the clips of violence in Africa between all the different tribes, and you're like "What's the difference? they're all Shaka Zulu to me!" Well that's what it's like in High School: roaming packs of indistinguishable gangs controlling the hallways like rabid dogs wearing wrist-crossbows and waving flaming pitchforks at each other.

So your kid's basically fucked. You're better off trying explaining to him now that he should sleep with every single girl he can --even the ugly ones-- for as long as he possibly can. That way, if he gets gunned down in his freshman year of college, he'll at least have experienced life more fully than i did.