Q: Dear World's Greatest Dad,
My son just turned three, and I will probably have to start doing "grown-up" things like meeting teachers and other parents very soon. The problem is, I'm a work-at-home graphic designer who basically wears sneakers and punk rock t-shirts everyday. How can i upgrade the wardrobe to look like a Real dad without looking like every boring schmuck out there?
World's Greatest Dad Answers:
While I admit it must be fun to stay home and play with your computer all day, it seems that grown-up life has finally bit you in the ass. You see, your life no longer belongs to you: it belongs to your wife and your beautiful son. You've already given up videogames, hanging out, eating when you felt like it, skateboarding, fishing, talking to Other Girls, riding your bike, being spontaneous, listening to your body, experiencing pleasure-- why are you still holding onto the memory of your former life of fulfillment by wearing clothing that actually reflects your interests and is comfortable? time to man-up, my friend.
Dads don't dress like dudes: Dudes have parties, and smoke dope all day, and plan ways to get in your daughters' pants; Dads have responsibility. In a way, that's all they have. Your role as a Father is as much of a sham and performance as the rest of your life, so you might as well be in the right costume. You are now longer a "dude." you are a GROWN-ASS MAN. you have to be ready for anything. Here are some new rules-- they oughtta fit right in with all of the other rules you have now:
1. you can no longer wear sneakers, jeans, and a t-shirt at the same time. try putting on a dress shirt for god's sake -- they probably sell them at one of your fancy thrift stores. and match the belt to the shoes and the socks against the pants and the tie to to the jacket and shirt and the jacket to the pants and the shirt to the tie and jacket. Got it?
2. You will always be able to wear any items from the following companies, who represent Manhood and Fatherly Duty in all aspects: Dickies, Carhartt, Wrangler, and any army-navy surplus store. If you limit your wardrobe to these companies, you will always look like a Dad.
3. If all else fails, try to look like one of the guys from this picture:
these are, all of them, acceptable looks, and time tested -- even Duran Duran up there looks like he could kick somebody's ass and then take the kid out for softball.
Meanwhile, there's a sale at Sears -- what a great way to spend some time with the brat! i mean your son!
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