OPEN LETTER TO MY SON, WHO I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING

Thanks for dropping into my office to give me the Father's Day card you made, big guy. I cant believe you figured out how to make it a pop-up card which folded out into a crude likeness of me on a fishing boat. Great job--you know i would love to take you fishing one day. Way to anticipate that action item that i am very much at work on. You even spelled "love" L-U-V. Adorable. that's a three-pointer from half-court, tiger.

Perhaps when you came in to give me that card you noticed the video on my computer monitor, titled in bold caps "CAMEL TOE VIDEO." You probably didn't notice it, though i had it on full-screen at the time. Now, son, you may not even know what a "CAMEL TOE" is, but I want to head off at the pass any tough-type questions you may bring to, say, your mother, or a teacher at school who you can trust. I can assure you that nothing in the video was inappropriate, or in any way denigrates the feelings i have for you dear old mom, even during this difficult separation. Let's be clear on that. I love your mother very much. In a way, I always will.

And I certainly wouldn't seek out anything titled "CAMEL TOE VIDEO" on the google there, if i were you, kid. You won't find anything of any merit. And frankly, it will get you into a world of trouble with the ol' mom-a-sita, I can tell you from painful experience. Your mom gets really concerned sometimes about what kinds of internet things are allegedly on the hard-drive of the computer that i paid for. In fact, the "CAMEL TOE VIDEO" on my computer that you may-or-may not remember maybe seeing, if you even did and didn't imagine it, was sent to me, unlabeled, by a by an acquaintance in higher education-- and you know how those guys are. One would think they would realize an email containing the phrase "CAMEL TOE VIDEO" might raise an eyebrow, but of course none of those decadent ivory-tower types have the great pleasure of being a parent and having to repress every gosh darn aspect of your life just in case the kid comes in the office door at an inappropriate time and sees some kind of thing on your computer that will give him a life-long case of the howling fantods.

So, since you didn't get me a Father's day gift except for this lovely card-like item (did i tell you how much i love this crazy thing? i can't wait to sjow it to my new friend Barb-- you remember aunt Barb, right?), maybe we just keep this little case of the "CAMEL TOE VIDEO" between you and me kid. We got a deal? I'll throw in 20 bucks.

luv (get it? "luv"!)

The "Old" Man