advice for the Bachelor who one day hopes to obliviate all sense of joy, fulfillment, and other selfish desires

Here's a new section of my column dedicated to the Bachelor's out there. I call it the Bachelor's Almanac.

EARLY FEBRUARY:

i don't care what the "calendar" says: it is Spring already. do you know how i know this? the girls are smiling more, giggling more, etc -- and they all already are looking great. All of them. Every goddamn one.

thus:
make your rebukes more playful;
try to make your appearance on the scene signify excitement/rescue;
increase the use of charged words/phrases, e.g.
"this will be our little secret"
"get on top of"
"satisfying"
"bursting"
"below me"
etc.

FOR THE MARRIED GUYS OUT THERE WHO HAVE STAYED WITH ME ON THIS ONE:

Saturday is Valentines Day, dumbass. so even if you think the little lady "doesn't care about valentine's day," you better at least remember and get her something, even though you both clearly and repeatedly agreed that you weren't going to get each other gifts. This is one of those rare cases when she said "no" but she meant "if you don't at least pretend to fawn all over my feet on February 14th i will be convincedin my fear that i am fat and unloveable, and that the only way to address this truth is to make you miserable and/or seek out the affections of someone more sensitive, e.g. the football coach at the local high school, or, even better, one of the running backs."